As little Olive softly sleeps in her bedroom down the hall, a couple of pigeons are busy making a nest outside my window, I sit. Finally having a great urge to write.
I am so tired, physically and emotionally and instead of closing my heavy eyes for 20 minutes or so I sit cross legged on my bed desperately tapping away at the laptop.
I have had the most magical weekend. Celebrating my 30th birthday and Easter all in one big long weekend was truly wonderful. Family, cake, balloons and all the love surrounded me in one big shiny bubble. I felt so very happy. Happier than I have in a long while. Somehow, today, as I get to unwind and collect my thoughts alone during nap time, I feel like my shiny magical bubble has been popped.
For a long time I have been unhappy with certain little things in my life and now I feel it's all taking it's toll. I know so very hard that for things to improve and to make space for all the magic I need to be at peace, to feel grateful with everything in my life. It's hard though. I have probably told at least 3 people this week to do just that and as I say those words it feels like it pours out of me to them and I'm left drained of my own wise words. Empty and at a loss. I can't shake it. My mind spirals into deeper thoughts and feelings and moments I try many a time to let go of and they are there, lingering. If it were on paper I could cut those pieces out and throw them into the wind and watch them swirl up and float away and the paper would feel so much lighter, cleaner, shinier. But it isn't on paper it's inside of me and I can't quite reach far enough to shut it all off.
I want to pack all the important things in my house and grab my husband, my daughter and tell them it's time to go. Time to go and start somewhere new. Somewhere far away in the hills, next to a forest where you can hear nothing but birdsong and sheep. Somewhere where we can feel free and live slow and be happy. Away from all the pretending and away from the people who are too busy and away from all the noise and the frustration and just be at peace.
Writing all this down is as easy as achieving it, I know that. Gosh it would be easier if I could drive, it would be easier if my husband and I were earning proper money from boring jobs to be able to take that risk. It would be easier if we both had the nerve to take the risk and just do it!! Why do we make things complicated for ourselves? Why do we always look for excuses? Why do I consistently focus on all the bad things when a grey cloud swoops by? When the logical thing to do would be letting all the negative energy go. Feeling grateful. Focusing on the positive. And to simply close the door to the past and the people.
Only I can change all this.
I want to accept that I live in the centre of town and it's noisy, and filled with people I just do not want to ever meet. And that neighbours are louder than me and that people like to share their awful music with the rest of the neighbourhood - and have no idea how disrespectful it is (whatever time of day it is!). I want to accept that even the closest of people really just do not even know me anymore and that it's okay to move on. I want to accept that right now is supposed to happen and that it is setting me up for such magical things and that one day soon all this will be long behind me.
I have to be grateful. I should be grateful! I have a supportive and loving husband and a beautiful daughter who is the cleverest 16 month old I have ever met. Not to mention funny, healthy and so very perfect. I have a roof (albeit old and in a undesirable place) and a loving family. I have exciting Summer adventures planned with my girl soulmate who just completely gets me.
I am going to start right now. Olive has just woken up from her nap and by the sounds of it, is happy looking out the window for a little while. I am going to spend my evening, planning my Summer adventure, sticking inspiring pictures and dreams in my dream book all whilst snuggled up in bed. I have the decision to change my life. I need to take every single opportunity to do it. Otherwise I'll be here again, in the same place, saying the same thing. And that just cannot happen!
Thank you for listening xxx