Wednesday

Perhaps

Lately I have been feeling the lack of sparkle, a lack of motivation and a sudden urge to wanting to change my life for the better but in ways I don't know how. I have been through this before, a few times actually, where I no longer know what I am doing, what I want to do but know that I actually want to be doing something. Creatively.
I dream of a house with a garden, on a nice street. I dream of being home with my children and baking with them and not having that dread of having to go to the office on Monday. I dream that in my spare time I will sit at my desk, in quiet making or sewing or drawing or writing but right now I can't see it. Not because they aren't close to achieving (because hey you never know what's around the corner!), but because I'm not sure if it's still my dream. I think it is, but I don't know how to make it come true. What do I really want to be doing with my time, creatively, if I had the opportunity right now? If I had the energy and the motivation!
I don't know.
That sense of losing myself is such a regular thing these days.

Perhaps it's the impending arrival of bébé number 2 that's making me feel this way. Perhaps I can sense the little free time I currently have slowly being ripped away from me and being used up to sleep, feed, entertain, cook, read more children's books, and hopefully more sleep (yeh right!). Perhaps it's the thought of having two children to look after, to entertain which is exhausting my brain and the reality of never getting enough of the me time in. It felt difficult to balance the first time around and in hindsight there was plenty of time to sleep, read books, sew, and write but I lacked energy and enthusiasm and now... well now I can see the experience being a whole lot more full on and a lot less likely.

So I am probably feeling this urge to do something about my life, right now, whilst I have the tiniest amount of free time to do so. But comes with it an enormous amount of pressure. A time sensitive, enormous amount of pressure. I can't help but feel deflated. It won't help that due to Olive's 'moments' and my extra hormones, I am feeling pretty drained, pretty exhausted.
I guess I know everything will come together, in it's own time and I will find my niche but I had such high hopes for this year. Such excitement that this year will be the one that kicked off all our creative projects and we'll be on our path to a better life a short while after. 
However, it's never too late to have a game plan and it's always good to have hold of the situation and be in control (even if just emotionally). So I suppose I have comfort in knowing that I'm aware. Even if I do just want to hibernate right now. 

Saturday

Rain.

The Summer's rain trickles down the window pane, occasional drops land in a tin bucket outside on the patio. pitter patter.
The air feels clean, it smells clear. I feel like I can breathe again. 
My heart is still heavy but the longing of rain and it's arrival pushes that lump from my throat and lifts the frown from my brow and I have the strange feeling that something has been let free, something has gone. Something that was anchoring my aches have disappeared.
I feel somewhat elated.
For what I am unsure of, but gratitude is something I feel indefinitely.

Friday

Each day.

This pin literally sums it up for me lately. Motherhood, life, work.
All the things that I always felt were important to me, in a relationship, in a work place, in motherhood, have just seemed to be dwindling of late. When I believe strongly about something it is hard to let it go, shut it down therefore bringing me emotional struggle. But there comes a time where if your husband doesn't deem it important, your managers are saying its alright and you just want to avoid a tantrum with your toddler - then like Elsa, just let it go. Let that crappy energy go!
This Summer's heat, growing a human and getting enough rest is already taking a lot of my energy up I lack any spare energy to waste on pointless battles.

So let's all take a seat, let the universe do it's thing (and making me all kinds of emotional!) and care about the things that really need our care and attention. Like baking banana cake and reading our books by candle light when the children are tucked up asleep.