I feel I just need to get this all out and once it's written I can be accepting and positive. Because lately I almost have a second of thinking 'Am I coping?!' -Yes ofcourse I am, but in those moments of stress it feels lonely. I find myself reaching out to loved ones who always offer to listen, actually accepting that offer for a change, for them to just shadow it with their own issues. It hurts. It really hurts. It almost makes the whole feeling 10 times worse. I guess that is why I tend to deal with issues on my own, I always have done. Always there for others but seemingly when you actually reach out for the same they're too caught up on their somewhat less stressful situation.
Anyway... this is not meant to be a deep post but an honest one.
The last few days have been hard. Olive has been so happy, giggly and cheerful yet so fussy, clingy and unsettled.
The nights are the worst. Waking every couple of hours just for a cuddle is not favoured in my books. The little peach doesn't even need a feed- literally just a cuddle. I pick her up and she snuggles in and snoozes. But as I put her down she pings open those big blues and beams at me. It's cute at first but after the 6th time I can't help but feel agitated at her.
Though it's not her fault it is still so exhausting. I function well on a certain amount of sleep- not necessarily alot but SOME. Lately I haven't even been getting that 'some'.
Yesterday Olive had her first swimming class and she loved it! I knew she would. It was mid afternoon so I thought it would be to my advantage and it would tire her out. It did make her snooze almost instantly when she was nestled into me in the Ergo on the bus, in fact it worked so well that when we arrived home I managed to unclip and put her in her bed without even the slightest stir! Though it gave me 40 minutes peace to make toast and sip TWO cups of tea it didn't help with the nighttime snooze.
However she did want to go to bed earlier than usual so I brought the bedtime routine forward and she went down so very easily.
Stirring every hour or so from 8pm until I finally climbed into bed at 11pm when she would not go back to sleep. It was almost though she thought it was day time!! So after 20 minutes of play and cuddles I caved and just fed her thinking it would comatose her enough to fall straight back to sleep for me to get some of my own (sleep not milk!). No. After some tears (nearly from me too!) and lots of 'Hush Little Baby' and Mary Poppins' 'Stay Awake' whilst doing a few lunges and gentle rocks she managed to settle by 01'47am. Phew.
But then woke about 40 minutes later wanting that Mama cuddle I mentioned before.. so after a few attempts of putting her back down in her cot I caved and popped her down next to me on the bed.
Now I understand that every baby is different as is every Mother's way of parenting, but I have never been pro co-sleeping. I do think that it must be a wonderful experience for some mothers, as I am sure equally it is the only way some babies sleep and the only way a Mama can get some z's in! But having said that I always knew I didn't want to. Olive has always slept well in her cot from day dot and I feared that any type of co-sleep or too many dozes on me would affect her patterns so I tried to stick by what worked for us as a family.
However, last night I genuinely could not think of anything else that would settle her. Olive is coming up to 6 months and I think she has reached a stage of her growing/learning where she just wants her Mama. Even when she's grizzly in the evening and Sebastian is home to help she just wants me... which is strange because she gives her Daddy the most adorable cheeky little grins when he walks in the room. She could be happily playing one minute and I get up to walk out of the room to make a drink and she will kick off. She is happy most of the time but actually her Mama is not allowed to leave her sight.
So last night it was all I could think of to get some rest. I tried putting my pyjama top in the cot with her but that failed. But the moment she laid next to me she slept peacefully all through until 0830am. (I guess Sebastian sleeping in the spare room on work nights worked in our favour for once! Or we would have both been hanging on the edge of the bed!!).
I am sure it's just a phase that she is going through at the moment and I hope that it passes quickly. I have accepted that my job right now is to solely be her mother, and I am totally prepared to be at her beck and call. However, I do need to finish some basic tasks around the house, instead of taking a few attempts throughout the day! I also need a bit of an evening before climbing into bed myself. I feel like I have hardly seen Sebastian lately and I have rarely been in a room on my own.
That being said, Olive has been napping for well over an hour and a half after her morning feed, giving me time to shower, have breakfast AND write this post... so I am probably doing her a great injustice! Poor thing. I am still having to remind myself that the poor little chunk is only still a very small human who just doesn't know yet... she has only been in the world for 6 months. That's actually not that long. Plus weaning, her teeth coming through as well as the other things she is learning to do- must be tough for her.
Anyway, if I am
a little too whingey on Twitter or a little vacant from Instagram or far too sporadic on the blog- it's because I am sleep deprived, fighting the stress and most likely got a gorgeous little babe glued to my side everywhere I go! I guess it could be worse eh?!
*I should also add here that I have Magic Stars courtesy of the darling husband, chocolate always helps!*
Stay with me though!
Have any other Mama's been through this with their 6 month babes? Is it a phase?
If any Mama's have any ideas of settling an unsettled babe at night without her snuggled next to me then please do send your advice my way! I am in need of some constructive advice on this.