Wednesday

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As I sit here cross legged on the living room floor, sipping tea and secretly nibbling on yogurt coated biscuits next to a sweet little girl playing with wooden blocks and stacking cups... I can't help but be absorbed into my thoughts. My head is full to the brim with thoughts and feelings lately.
They aren't Motherhood related thoughts apart from those of the impending end of Maternity leave and the fact I have not organised childcare because I simply cannot bare the thought of going back to work and some stranger looking after my daughter. I think they call that 'denial'. I cannot see the practicality of going back to work purely to fund the little lady's care when in actual fact that is my job and not somebody else's!!
Anyway, that and money is taking up only a small space in my mind. But rather, life, love and purpose. 
What was I created to do in this life? Where am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to be? 
I know being a mother is definitely a path I am meant to be on. I know I am a good mother. My heart is fit to burst with love for that beautiful little lady of mine, I am and will always put her first and her needs before my own. But what about the rest. So many questions I ask myself on a daily basis but I cannot seem to answer them, not right now at least. Am I even on the right chapter of my life story? Sometimes it doesn't feel that way. Sometimes it feels like I am on a completely different book altogether! I guess I am feeling a little lost. This stresses me out sometimes as I feel like I should really have my life together by now, I am a Mother, a responsible adult! Instead I have one which is a disorganised, fuzzy, confusing mess.

I have noticed lately that I have let my independence slip a little. When it comes to Motherhood I am acing independence and have become a real boss at it. However with regards to everything else around me I seem to rely on others. alot. Checking for approval. This has been grating on me over the past week or so. My Mama side is yelling at my dependent side and giving it a big slap around the face and a good ol reality check.
That being said, Frankie Valli's "big girls don't cry" has just started to play in the background. This has me thinking how much I have matured since having Olive. I no longer cry after fallouts or mean spoken words or even times when I feel down or hormonal. It takes a fair few sleepless nights and a fussy bébé who refuses sleep to make me cave and let my eyes water. Those other things are now almost not worth the hassle or the head space. So currently that alone makes me feel stronger.
I guess I am feeling lonely. Except obviously not when Olive is up and about crawling around at hyper speed and chatting away to me like I am supposed to know what she's saying. And when she's asleep or I get five minutes alone in the shower, silence really is golden. But it's those times when your brain is almost on shut down due to it being so full and you almost can't deal with it all - that kind of lonely.
So where to start? The thing is I have tried to talk about it, or at least some aspects and it just falls on deaf ears or makes matters worse... for me at least. Perhaps I really am being oversensitive, though I strongly believe that this time I'm really not. It isn't hormones. It isn't a female thing. It's just, well, something else. Confusing definitely. This is definitely one of those times where I wish I had a car, I would pack a suitcase or two, make a road trip mixtape, grab little lady Olive and drive to Scotland to stay in the forest amongst heather and homemade shortbread and escape reality for a week or so. I guess you could say it's running away but I could really do with some quiet time and peaceful surroundings.

I guess this post isn't really for anyone but me. Sometimes it is just good to get words out and clear a little space in that foggy brain of mine. I think I am just very very confused at the moment. And it has taken me all day to finish this post (which I started this morning!) so I am going to creep into the bedroom and just peek in on Olive who is sleeping sweetly and let my heart fill up with love. If anything makes sense right now it's her! And her dear little two tooth smile is keeping me going.
For that I am truly grateful.