Sunday

Time is slipping through the cracks

Sunday morning and I sit cross legged on my pastel bed sheets, nibbling squares of chocolate and sipping breakfast tea. Tessa Violet plays in my ears and a whole heap of things play on my mind.

Back in January I had a social media break and it helped me so very much, but when I returned I realised the novelty had worn off. I'm no longer bothered by the number count and the rhythm of posts and even the stories. I am tired and it feels like I'm watching myself on the outside in, watching myself waste hours of time scrolling through images that (mostly) do not interest me. I am living a life I had always had a fear of. A still one. I had always thought how boring it was to be one of those adults that watch pointless television shows of an evening, dinner on lap, falling asleep on the sofa every single night. I didn't want to be like that and the fact I do not watch television (not to be confused with Netflix or Boxsets!) was always a comfort for me - I really will never be one of those.
But then social media wasn't a thing back then and now it feels like I'm THAT generation of adult. Wasting my life away glued to a chunk of metal/glass that brings me ZERO happiness. In fact it only brings me the opposite - sadness, envy, FOMO, comparison.

So even though I don't engage anywhere near as much as I used to, and all my notifications are still completely off, I do spend moments where I check everything 'just incase' and I'm sucked in.
I have forgotten about my love of writing, reading, painting, crafting... being. I feel like this rut I am currently in is turning slowly into something that resembles a droid. Stuck on autopilot. Stuck in some sort of upside down world. I feel like my once sparkly eyes are glazed over and I'm just being pushed into each day.

I've lost all the love of the things that once made me the person that I was proud of. I have lost my sparkle.
Perhaps it's the wave of exhaustion I'm currently battling or the extra hormones that are pumping around right now. Perhaps it is the amount of tasks on my ever growing to do list that I need to tackle within the next few months. Perhaps it's the fact my life as I know it was nothing I ever dreamed it would be... or even close. And the fact I have lost all enthusiasm for making it better. The fire in my belly, the motivation to have a greater life has been left somewhere and I can't locate it.

I think what this rambling post of jumbled words is is that I am going through some things right now that aren't as smooth as I'd like them to be, they aren't a quick result and accepting that will probably make this journey a bit easier. Or maybe a big old ugly cry but that takes up far too much energy!
Here's to hoping my next rambling post will be all "life is too short, take a leap of faith, the world is your oyster (what does that even mean!?!), seize the day, dream big" and all the positive dream catching quotes. I know in my core that this is something I just have to wade through, a thorny path in my long journey, a chapter I will triumph. But it's good to get some of the words out that seem a little stuck in my throat.

4 comments:

  1. Charlotte, I have followed your blog for years, and it's really sad to read that you feel this way! All I can say is I hope you find a way to start getting some energy back. Cut down that to do list - in fact, throw it away! And don't worry about losing who you used to be - things change as time moves on, it's just nature.

    With love x

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    Replies
    1. Laurel, thank you so much for your kind message.
      The to do list to be fair can be cut to a 'priority only' list for right now. (some things are time sensitive and have to be done and one of the tasks is so big that it overwhelms me... but hopefully I can dissect that task into smaller tasks to make it more visibly achievable!).
      Motherhood has made me adapt considerably but now it feels like I'm majorly stuck. If that makes sense?

      Anyway, thank you for reading. It's nice to know there are people out there who still come by and check this abandoned space on the internet. Lots of love xxx

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    2. I totally get you - being a mum is huge, and it seems like you have come to it so naturally, but it's bound to mean that being 'you' gets put to one side for a little bit. It's a huge step to admit feeling stuck - I think you've made a positive step and hopefully it will help you feel like you can get moving again.

      I've always loved your sweet blog, I think I first came across it at uni and used to love reading about your adventures. Really pleased to see your mid year post up today! Keep it up, we're still here!

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  2. Hi Charlotte. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling, but glad that you are still out there - yours is one of the few blogs that I still regularly follow. It feels genuine and real and there is no pretence about everything being perfect; because life isn't. Sending you warmest wishes. Amanda xxx

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