Wednesday

Perhaps

Lately I have been feeling the lack of sparkle, a lack of motivation and a sudden urge to wanting to change my life for the better but in ways I don't know how. I have been through this before, a few times actually, where I no longer know what I am doing, what I want to do but know that I actually want to be doing something. Creatively.
I dream of a house with a garden, on a nice street. I dream of being home with my children and baking with them and not having that dread of having to go to the office on Monday. I dream that in my spare time I will sit at my desk, in quiet making or sewing or drawing or writing but right now I can't see it. Not because they aren't close to achieving (because hey you never know what's around the corner!), but because I'm not sure if it's still my dream. I think it is, but I don't know how to make it come true. What do I really want to be doing with my time, creatively, if I had the opportunity right now? If I had the energy and the motivation!
I don't know.
That sense of losing myself is such a regular thing these days.

Perhaps it's the impending arrival of bébé number 2 that's making me feel this way. Perhaps I can sense the little free time I currently have slowly being ripped away from me and being used up to sleep, feed, entertain, cook, read more children's books, and hopefully more sleep (yeh right!). Perhaps it's the thought of having two children to look after, to entertain which is exhausting my brain and the reality of never getting enough of the me time in. It felt difficult to balance the first time around and in hindsight there was plenty of time to sleep, read books, sew, and write but I lacked energy and enthusiasm and now... well now I can see the experience being a whole lot more full on and a lot less likely.

So I am probably feeling this urge to do something about my life, right now, whilst I have the tiniest amount of free time to do so. But comes with it an enormous amount of pressure. A time sensitive, enormous amount of pressure. I can't help but feel deflated. It won't help that due to Olive's 'moments' and my extra hormones, I am feeling pretty drained, pretty exhausted.
I guess I know everything will come together, in it's own time and I will find my niche but I had such high hopes for this year. Such excitement that this year will be the one that kicked off all our creative projects and we'll be on our path to a better life a short while after. 
However, it's never too late to have a game plan and it's always good to have hold of the situation and be in control (even if just emotionally). So I suppose I have comfort in knowing that I'm aware. Even if I do just want to hibernate right now. 

4 comments:

  1. Beautiful photo! Sunset or sunrise?

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  2. I hope you feel a bit more you soon. I think it hopefully is hormones but hopefully you're being supported. Thinking of you!

    https://lizziedailyblog.blogspot.com/

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  3. I know it is hard to think about it, but the difficult times will pass. Olive will get bigger and more self sufficient, baby no 2 will become new Olive and you will get your time back. Probably with more energy and ideas. Also baby no 2 will need less attention, as it will have a BIG sister to follow around the house and annoy living daylights out of her.

    The same happend to me, but after my baby was born. I was feeling like I am not 'me' anymore and did not recognise person I became. Everything was a struggle and I was worried that it will stay that way. Then one day I woke up and I was me again. The fog has lifted, I could remember things, life became full of colour.

    I understand how you feel, I really do and I hope you are getting support you need and lots of love.

    Wish you all the best.

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